novembre ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- you don't understand; life is my religion. live well and be happy. it's all that god wants. The other day we wandered to a gallery for a sort of a field trip. I took my time and made sure I didn't keep pace with anybody around me. The images seeped into my corneas and for days now I've been able to freeze-frame tension, longing, dissatisfaction, discomfort, that moment before bursting into laughter. I need to get a new camera. Where is the camera tree? Can I just happen across one out in the wild somewhere and pluck a ripe Leica? Andy found me at the end and we wandered back along the edge of the bay, against the steady flow of orange baseball fans. He kept talking to me without looking at me. The way he held his body told other men his level of awareness. I was reminded of Van Morrison singing, "the girls walked by, all dressed up for each other..." A man at the stoplight stared me down, and Andy regarded him as if he were for sale, casually weighing the guy's assumed pros and cons. I watched Andy until I realized that the guy was watching me, so I ignored it all and made friends with a nearby dog. Andy led me through a building with a waterfall in its center courtyard. It looked like a giant's shower; I wanted to take pictures of someone standing directly under it, apprehensive, half-clothed, barefoot, slightly bathing. People milling around the surrounding food court took no notice. The walk back was bright and easy. We wore our sunglasses and talked about animals; I wondered to myself how people justify their actions through belief. That seems like the most disrespectful umbrella. "Don't pet that one," Andy said when he saw me making eyes at a cocker spaniel. "That breed is nasty." We cracked jokes as we walked. I wished I could feel as open with straight men, but they all seem to shunt aside my words for subtext like pigs rooting around for truffles. For me, the everything is the truffle. Even that mean dog. Even that oversized shower nozzle. Even that wry, cautious gay man. Even the subtext. I felt full as we came back to work. My hair was up under a hat and I still had my sunglasses on, and I was smiling. Once we got downstairs, Andy ducked into a bathroom and I turned into the hallway, where my grin ran straight into your girlfriend. She did not recognize me, but my grin was infectious, and she smiled too, until I took off my sunglasses and she saw who I was. Then her face froze, and she turned away. 4:21 pm - 10.22.10 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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