novembre ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- though I wonder why he called me Valkyries. Did he joke and think of B as Hitler, and I was supposed to assassinate her? Random detail just passing by. Sometimes, in moods like this, it's as if you're on a road trip. He's not posting for me on Craigslist anymore. I don't know if he has been for months, now. I never know if he's there, or if he thinks I'm there. When people respond to each others' posts and it sounds like him talking to me, something jars in my mind and I don't know what to do. There were a few from last Thursday, but I can't be sure. I had to stop reading Missed Connections regularly because I'd look for him out of habit, and for months the things he said terrified me. (What if the private detective is right and he really is a sociopath? Obviously, I have a hard time believing that due to the velvet goo. What does it say about me that my greatest love was a man who wouldn't even talk to me or touch me? How did all of this get so convoluted?) It's so strange, but I know we wouldn't argue this much if we actually trusted each other. I don't know if that can happen now, though. I wish he would try and make things right with HR. That's a hope I don't have much faith in, though. He told me he felt no remorse, and I felt my skin start to pickle. I feel morbid today. Quiet and solitary. Hacked at my hair last night, wore baggy clothes today. Am quite possibly suturing this wound by scabbing over it, eliminating any beauty that might peek through. Don't know if that's a good thing, or what. It'll help me keep my head down until he and B get married, though. 3:22 pm - 10.04.10 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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