novembre ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- shake that mane, that pile of tails. do not retreat. only evolve. How do I keep him with me? Just as he wants to be near me, I want to be near him. If he feels obligated to stay away, perhaps he'll understand that I feel just as obligated to do the same. He hurt my pride by damaging my credibility. I want to stay at this job for three more years. I don't think I'll ever be eligible for increased hours, raises or promotions with this on my record, with HR looking at me like I'm crazy. Can't he understand that? He gave me this scarlet letter, I think to protect himself and what he has. So what if I don't have anybody -- what about me and mine? It's worse for me because I'm alone. That was my choice. I broke up with Derek. Thank god he's still a friend to me. If you hurt the people you care about to absolve yourself, do you deserve a second chance unless you try to repair that hurt? I want to know what music he listens to, what strange and interesting things capture his attention. I want to see evidence of his sense of humor and goodwill. Of his life. I want to hear what music he makes. He was opening up new worlds to me, and reorienting me with planets I'd long since left. I orbited him. And now there has been an expanse of silence. I guess I need to find a new muse. It'll take a while before I start looking, or maybe I won't look and harmonic convergence will settle around my goofiness and make me into a real girl. One to be proud of. Or maybe I'll just do that for myself and fuck all. I have no idea how deep this pain is, how long it will stay raw. What a long and bothersome, cumbersome roam to try and find someone half as fascinating as he. Half as inspiring. Ach, but he wouldn't want me with all my imperfections. He would just want to try me out, and that's something that just doesn't appeal to most women. Think of the pressure, the awkwardness, the unknown bodies. I need time to unfurl. If he really wanted to get to know me, he went about this all wrong. You have to coax me into safety, and then my body knows how to communicate with yours. It knows your give and take, how to push your limits. He didn't want normalcy with me, he wanted to keep that with B. But I wanted it with him. A frenetic, physical/spazz version. I imagined writing while he played music, him soundtracking me. We already know how well we can speak in this way. Me, a strong pulse only he could hear, until I refined enough to get published. I imagined him teaching my body yoga, giving him my body, letting him mold it as he wanted it. I didn't care -- it's just a body to me. I imagined the ocean, and for some reason the Swiss alps. I thought about Prague and Costa Rica and what it feels like to slide my hands around his hipbones, to kiss the small of his back. (Here, a soft oh.) And always, making him laugh. I wondered what he thought about when he was alone, if he wandered around his neighborhood, if he ever got caught in whirlwind reflection. If he could try and see the good with my bad. I wanted to see his every day. But ach. He's already got one, and Now. Now. There, there. The private investigator (useless, all he did was scare the shit out of me further, and then he oddly hit on me) lectured me for hours about how HR now thinks I'm a liability and my job is on the line, that this guy won't quit and will eventually end up attacking me (again, if you count him going to HR, which I do), that any internet contact with him could possibly be traced by him to reveal my personal information.... It's as if he made us ghosts in each others' lives by doing what he did. And I guess I have to accept that this is what he wants. Now I'm just running in circles again. Selfish shellfish. You scuttled out of reach and I got cooked. You were my inspiration point. No wonder you didn't really want me. I'm too wild a horse to break in. Become stronger, girl. Become stronger, miniature pegasus clysdale horse. Become stronger. Fuck it all; become stronger. I will invent my own myths. 4:35 pm - 10.01.10 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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