novembre ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- plugged ears and quivering thighs an ear infection in both ears. heather says i have bad luck but i prefer to think of it as talent. ear drops, pills, earplugs. everything feels salty and far away. i'm in a good mood considering i can't hear and the doctor's office scale told me i weighed fifty pounds more than i expected. this isn't terribly wonderful news for the food impaired. the eating disordered. now i am clinically obese. when is my party? there won't be any carbohydrates there, right? why do i have a perscription for meridia, as per my mother's request? if i were still legally gaurdianed by them, would my parents schedule my summer in another fat camp? but i can't hear so everything feels far away. and salty. only ugly in a mirror, or when high school boys bark at me as they drive by. lisa and i went to old navy today. a guy stopped me and made some remark about his friend wanting to ask me out. i looked over at his friend, an athletic fratdestined stoner with hands plastered over his mouth to keep from laughing out loud. i couldn't really hear what they said specifically, so it didn't hurt as much as intended. perhaps in order to feel fat contented i must become deaf. or popped into a bubble. i'd be fine with my body if no one interpreted it for me, if no one judged me by it. nonhearing noncontact environment. over the bulge and stomach acid stripped teeth i can feel a sharpness, a frost-esque fork in the road, telling me things could go several ways from here: some directions pathetic, others determined, others pathetically determined. i am reading the back of my merida bottle, remembering that ma huang causes strokes, that my esophagus erodes easily. i am reminding myself to simply try to be healthy. nonobsessive. nonanoretic. nonbinger nonpuker no ice cream no none no. perhaps living with certain absolutes will help me. small reminders, like feeling pain and remembering to take your medication because of it. nothing overzealous, only simple eccentric emotional-tantrum evading tactics. nothing scary. i do not want to be scared anymore. 9:26 pm - 5.24.01 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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