novembre ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- fuck you for not believing in me last night at the LA airport an 80 year old woman in a mink coat was riding around on one of those little metal scooters. her foot made the same cautious sweep over the walkway over and over, lightly pushing the rest of her body forward before it slowed and she did it again, rhythmically, silently. watching her i realised that coping is about consistency and endurance and how i don't have either right now. i don't understand why pain is so frequent. the real girls are all hurt right now including me. i can't fucking write, sleep, i can barely swallow i am getting over strep throat and i can't tell the internet about everything that pierces me. there is too much pounding and i don't think i can handle anything. i'm overwhelmed when i think about all of it at once so i try not to but of course that makes me fixate on it more. i was counting so much on muffie and heather lynn visiting and now they're not coming that i think i don't think i can do this anymore sometimes. the past few weeks have been so, so hard and there is no time to be lyrical. 10:28 am - 10.29.2000 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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