novembre ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- my heart is a needy cement mixer. i've decided that every time i can't sleep, i'll write something. i have two journals: this detached, electronic voyeur-ready version and my physical scrapbook-like handheld. both have their merits. you probably already know about the easy, lazy benifets of online journaling, but do you understand the cathartics involved in cutting, pasting and typing (on a typewriter, no less) or drawing your entries? some days i feel like controlling everything: font, page size, colour....and when i finish a few pages, they are decorated beautifully....and decorated beautifully just for me. i am recording bits of my life in an aesthetic way for purely selfish reasons. which is not to say that online journals aren't purely selfish, either. journals must be self-inflicted in order to survive. there are days that i go batty when i don't write my feelings down. too much stuff flying, bouncing off my cranium, arcing and bending the only ways i know how to think. it's impossible to move on when your mind is cluttered. therefore, journalling is theraputic in the long term. right now, though, the best part of waking up is folgers in your cup: it's 2:38 am and i accidentally fell asleep for an hour in front of the tv this afternoon, thus negating any hopes for sleep tonight. it's 2:38 am and i'm not bored in bed--i'm actually doing something mildly productive. on a completely different note whose chords resonate more with happenings than justifications: several large bad things have been happening while many good things have been happening also. it's like having a dead planet with many thriving moons rotating around it uselessly. and i do mean "uselessly" because the bad things are so pressing that they obscure the good things. and i am so dramatic that my attention naturally curves towards them anyhow. in a nutshell: rape, threats, loss, betrayal, police investigations, alcoholism, bad hair, lack of loving animals, empty refridgerators, eating disorders, loneliness, broken furniture, friends falling in love and forgetting me, confusion and lack of money. some of these bad things haven't happened directly TO ME, but inadvertently affect and impact me. what is obscured: comfortable restored victorian house/co-op with six housemates that get along easily, heart friends, thai food, i am house manager of the comfotable restored victorian co-op, friends falling in love, good classes, greenery, movies, cuddling, video games, bike-fixing, people moving closer and fake corn dogs. i think that my main problem is that i am too needy. it makes sense when you look at my alternately non-commital and smothering family. need, need, need. i'm sick of all of my needs. how come they don't disappear for good every time i write them down? i'm sleepy + i miss you. i miss what we had, and i'm a little sick of my only contact with you being whenever i look at old pictures. did i mention that today was my first day back at college? 2:31 am - 8.29.2000 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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