novembre ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- the good long hot night mends Friends got married and it cracked me open again. (Visiting family in the midwest started the tear.) Pretty rad. Keeping yourself busy and surrounded by people you love makes you forget the pain. Then when an old habit pops up, it feels less like a comfortable sweater, and more like a pair of jeans that just doesn't fit anymore. Peaches might fuck the pain away, but I'd rather nest, and make, and make again. I am not sleeping enough again. That is the only thing. Makes me remember how it felt to not sleep at all from being too afraid for months, which makes me remember all of it. Some sort of trigger thought, and boy are those pants ugly on me now. Makes me wonder back at why I couldn't explain what the hell was going on with that guy, why I didn't defend myself better. Why I reacted in the marred way that I did. I think I've been trying to correct all of me since then, some unconscious effort to punish or perfect, to distract while heartbroken, to fix a broken heart? Maybe if I had a sharper focus, none of this would ever happen again? That's all I'll say about that. I have a bike to ride, a house to sit on, and an ad for an open house to write. and a giant salad to eat while watching mad men on jenn's giant TV. And homework. And volunteer data entry. And getting together materials to apply for a printing fellowship. BUT FIRST< a nap. ps. (pps. that youtube is THE PEEL SESSION VERSION) 6:41 pm - 10.14.11 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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