novembre ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- try to understand One of the elements of being in love is how it alters your brain chemistry. I read this week that it stimulates sections related to body image, and thought back to how I felt when I found out that he loved me too. I never felt so beautiful, inside and out. He made me feel absolutely amazing, and totally capable. And I never felt so safe, either. So taken care of and believed in. Too bad it lasted about a day, he made sure to tell me he loved me to right before turning me in to HR for writing him a letter asking him to stay away from me. (I honestly didn't think he felt the same way about me. When I found out it was requited, I just couldn't stop myself from being electrified with happiness, B or no B. But there was a B, and she's pretty dang great.) No wonder I was waiting for a man to make me whole. I had to experience what being in love felt like -- why people do crazy things for these feelings. I felt like such a robot, going through life never having experienced this for myself. Something has since settled into itself, inside.
Friends are encouraging me to talk to the men who keep approaching me. I really don't want to, but I know I need the practice. Otherwise I'll go through the rest of my life convinced I'm only able to fall in love with sociopathic douchebags who like to terrorize women. I'll never get to have sex ever again. Or I'll give up on men completely and turn gay. Fucking hell, what a bleak prospect. Other things are bright and shining, except I found out I get hung over after drinking two beers now. The Giants are kicking ass in the World Series, DM and I are total bros, I have five concrete book ideas that I'm mapping out simultaneously, my room has been tricked out into an Elka Paradise, Dave had a fluffy cat dread on one of his haunches and it stuck out like a second tail after I brushed him. There's a possibility of a raise and promotion (part time) at OPL (but no benefits). It's my Mommy's birthday, I am going as Alice in Wonderland. I am letting my inner child play instead of trampling her to bits, embarrassed, and accidentally letting her escape during inopportune social moments. Reading a lot. Rhea is going to help me quit smoking with some literature, and I've got good friends on my side. I need to reach out to the people who I actually trust for a change.
6:27 pm - 10.29.10 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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