novembre ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- constant vigilance, she said. constant vigilance. we sat around on the green velvet sofa, bordered by two brocade high-backed orange velour chairs draped with our hooded sweatshirts and dusty blazers. drinking beer. and before the movie we were talking about -- i don't remember what we were talking about, i found a victoria's secret catalog on the coffee table and started to leaf through it. on the very first page was a picture of the exact same bra i was wearing that night. this startled me so much; things like this never happen to me. or they have never happened to me before. the distance between being fat and being thinner has dissolved into a gray area. after 101 pounds i am now the after picture. i am no longer the between. i spent so long in the before that the transition into the between was sharp and brief, like exhaling. it felt natural. it was like ripping off a band-aid. i am out of the gray and into the black. or into the white, the white noise, the whitest weirdest sound and i never knew it would be like this on the other side. the grass is the exact same color on the other side of the fence. let me reiterate: the exact same color. it's just thinner grass. 1:38 am - 10.06.04 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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