novembre ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- ringing the bell in the big city moon A woman must keep her head cool. We will make lists together. Checklists, as a matter of fact. We will get folders to organize our papers and we will seal them in a solid storage box. We will label everything and we will go scholarship hunting and we will read the health insurance policies in fine print and we will ignore the U.S. News. feeling helpless. unable to be aided. unhelpable. wanting to but unable to ask. unasked. untouched. answering machine messages piled and blinking. bart train squealing. moored on athol late evenings in a haunted apartment i made mine. stomachached. hollowed and temperamental. listening to the neighbors through the thin walls. walking through san francisco realizing being an adult means taking care of yourself. this is my homework for the next six decades. searching for my gold star. the tin sticker she'll put on the upper left of my three-hole-punched sheet of college rule. my gold star. help does not just walk up to you. i coulda told you that. i'm not an idiot.. it looks like i'm not trying. i don't care what it looks like because i stood at the altar and everying turned white. all i heard was the sound and the world coming down around me. why wouldn't i be trying? why wouldn't i try? 12:01 am - 08.04.02 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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