novembre ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- notes and debauchery sad earlier today. didn't sleep last night. made to-do lists, cleaned, attempted to wax my legs for work but ended up throwing out the nair in a fit of self-recovery. instead, took seven ibuprofen and a diet pepsi and decided to go to work at seven instead of eight so i could leave at four instead of five. i keep getting up and walking away from my well meaning but gossipy coworkers who discuss my habit of writing down the most inconsequential bit of tutoring on a computer program. getting up and walking around, outside to read, in the bathroom to think and inadvertently be reminded of my mother. i'm not sad anymore. i realized i was sad because i was ashamed; shame is not a trait i want to keep. i don't get embarrassed easily but i do feel shame like it lines the backs of my eyelids. shame at my body, my hair, my ignorance at which paper to use when printing on certain printers, at my sudden inability to work past four pm, at my clothes. paige told me to be productive so i am. shame is not productive. shame is out the window. i wrote it down. 11:13 am - 6.22.01 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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