novembre ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- last night in the tenderloin i was talkative last night after not talking for so long. i kept using words like whatever because i had forgotten how to verbalise smooth transitions. there's no food in the refridgerator and no heat in our apartment. i'm not used to talking, eating inside, or being warm. david, michelle, krissy and i went to a show at the edinborough castle pub. i stood outside for most of it, smoking and speaking in broken, jolted phrases, watching a mostly-blind homeless man ask the same people over and over for quarters. hookers threaded inbetween parked cars, watching for cops. their butts were barely covered, their legs were sticks and their hair was long and badly permed. i watched people mill around me, bar regulars and pop kids and scenesters and people i'd only met once or twice and didn't feel comfortable around yet. it was like some sort of party. when i realized this i ducked my head and stared at the sidewalk, playing imaginary connect the dot with the trash on the ground. i am jealous of how quickly krissy made friends here; and she insisted that she was so shy, so awkward around people. if that is her version of shy, i wonder what i am? three times as worse, three times as far away. and i am confused by the krissys i knew in middle school and high school, they swim around behind my eyes whenever i look at her now. jenn* said krissy looked like her sister. krissy feels like some semblance of a sister to me, or maybe a cousin. we've known each other for a decade and it is amazing that we aren't also held together by blood or badly organized family outings. david hated the last band so we left early, all but krissy; she took a bus home so she could stay later. this says so much that i can't even explain. * GO TO JENN'S PAGE. http://katherinhand.diaryland.com 2:05 pm - 12.10.2000 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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