novembre ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- pumping, whining, watching and throbbing. "i've waited many times for this one. they come in twos, they come in twos..." i think i figured out how to use the stuck spacebar. my body is rebelling again. it grabbed j's flu and stuffed it inside my ear. the whole left side of my head and neck is swollen, throbbing, fucked up. i have been awake for exactly one hour and forty five minutes. my body needs more of a rest than this. i'm so pissed because whenever i move i get dizzy. i'm so angry that my body won't let me function. something happened in swimming yesterday. maybe it was the rice burrito i ate before jumping underwater but everything channelled into something easy. it was easy to swim for miles, so i did. it hurts when people you trusted suddenly don't believe in you. when they stop loving you for something you didn't do. i moved in with d and m. k wants to live alone and the shark on fire isn't moving here anymore so i'll be living here for a while. we have no microwave, no can opener, no bowls, so salt and pepper-- but this place feels instantly better. my bed is k's extra mattress. my dresser is a chest of drawers i found on the street. the window in our kitchen looks directly into the neighbor's kitchen. only the mother cooks; i only see the father from my bedroom window. he stands on the fire escape and talks on the cordless phone, outside to escape his noisy children. the people who live above us have seven children who silently take toys from me if i leave them on their front steps. they haven't spoken to me yet, but one of them, a 6 or 8 year old girl, explained how to fry chicken to m. she gave them a butterfly catcher last month and they used it to set insects on fire. occaisonally i come across a tiny charred carcass and wonder. neighborhood kids light firecrackers every night. i'm not used to their piercing, seconds long whistles. someone is blasting a very sad love song sang in a language i can't understand. in each of my nightmares different friends pop into focus and tell me that they don't love me, they never really did. i am afraid that everyone will leave me now that a few people have. i am mad at myself for not forseeing pettiness and trouble. somehow i could have prevented it. i think that i have gotten gullible. if it can happen once, it can happen again. who can cut their heart out of another so easily? are they normal and every one of the people i love has the capacity for emotional murder? i have never met one of my best friends in person. i want to sit across from her on my new rented floor and stare at her eyes and watch her mouth move because she's always been this disembodied dancing voice to me. i almost bought her a portable blender for her trip and now she's not coming and i'm crying convinced that i did it somehow. i'm scared to talk to anyone anymore because i don't want anymore surprise meltdowns. i feel like a big blob of insecurity and fear. it fucking annoys me. it feels like my emotions have gotten sicker than my body has. it feels like my heart has melted down. 6:30 pm - 10.24.2000 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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