novembre ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- piercing, jabbing, wailing today i took a nap in her bed; it was like i was asleep in my own. she played cat power and took pictures of me snuggling with her old koala bear. i want things that are too hard to name. not from her, not from anyone in particular. just an ideal in my head-- there are two worlds: there is real-life and then there is elka-land. "how life really is" versus "how i imagine life really should be." in elka-land: goofy, awkward people are acceptable, everyone loves me, i am perfectly articulate. in elka-land my body is beautiful and no one makes me feel ugly. in real-life, i nearly sprain my ankle walking in the stairwell after coming down from the studio roof, laying on my back getting gravel down my pants watching the stars. in real-life, my mind hates my body and whenever i say it out loud i start to cry. "i am ugly." i told her today that i am the one who hurts me the most. some things hurt even more when they are voiced. they become autonomous from your mind: free things that can hurt you on their own, no longer just feelings but now words and sounds. i'm going through a sad period lately. 11 pm - 9.15.2000 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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